Adressing PETA

Dear people of PETA,
As you might have read in previous posts,we have a new resident,by the name Rat,under our house.Unfortunately he is illegal,moved in without permission and doesn't pay rent.His destructive,noisy behavior is starting to take its toll on the other residents and structure of the building,therefore we would like to have him removed.We previously filed a restraining order against him,without any positive results.Officers from the local law enforcement agency(Animal Control)will no longer waste their time on him and attempts to trap or poison him have unfortunately resulted in the murder of other,paying, residents.We have decided that we need you PETA to send us a vegan or some similar type of creature to humanely remove this arrogant,obnoxious,destructive,yet smart resident.
SO,please,if you have some time to waste contact me ASAP.
In exchange I promise to never consume or use animal products of any kind,release my crazy,men eating dogs into the free world and expose,I mean release, my cats to the freeway.I will also open my window to let my birds go and flush,I mean release, our Molly fish (Free Molly) down into the rivers,using the WC.
Anything but PLEASE HELP!
Thank you!
Sincerely,
J.P.
PS:Please contact me at this address killthatrat@gmail.com